Okay so I've completely been MIA on the blog scene, and as much as I've missed it, there's just been so much going on lately. As you'll notice in my previous post, the birth of my nephew, Zion has kept me busy hanging on his every "coo" and smile (even if it is just gas)! Besides the new addition, there's been a subtraction that's left my family greatly saddened.
On January 26th, my Gran passed away. She passed peacefully, and with her family around her, which is a blessing. I'm still reeling from how quickly it seemed to happen. I really was hoping for more time, but I'm moved to thankful tears every time I think of how I had the chance to speak with her while she lived with us. I can't contain my emotions when I think of how I finally got to express what my dreams and goals were, and have her understand my heart behind things. The first time I told Gran I wanted a career in fashion, her response was, well.. grandmotherly. She worried that the industry would be too cold, too cruel, too materialistic. In the last months of Gran's life, I was able to share with her my love of creating, my desire to make sure my business endeavors ALWAYS gave back in some way or another, and how my heart ached to be able to use any platform I was given in this life to inspire others.
Life without passion isn't life at all. Gran's passion was her family. We were so very blessed to call her ours. The example she and my Grandpa (Poppa as we call him) gave us of love and family life is apparent in their children and I'm sure will be the case for her grandchildren. Some times I break down crying, because I wanted Gran & Poppa to be there to see me make something substantial of my life. To "make it". I worried the place I'm in right now wasn't enough, that I'd wasted too much time, that I was too old to try something new. When I finally broke down in tears and told my mom how I felt, she told me that Gran had told her that she was so very proud of the steps I was taking to get to where I wanted to be. I'm so far from perfect that it's not funny, and I still have so far to go, but hearing that Gran understood that I was doing my best means the world to me.
This morning I woke up early to do yoga. I really focused on clearing my mind of all the clutter, and being thankful. During my morning routine I stepped on the scale & realized that I've lost over 70lbs! It hasn't been over night, and there's been some ups & downs (actually a lot of ups & downs) but lately I've had so much peace and focus on my goals and it finally hit me how major my accomplishment is. That's when the tears happened. I thought back to two and a half years ago. I'd just had to attend the second funeral in a year for another close friend of mine. I was a huge, unhappy mess of a girl who really struggled to make it through the day, let alone plan for a future. It was a ridiculously dark place in my life. I remember days where I'd fall asleep at my desk, and I was ALWAYS late for work. I would cry at the drop of a hat.. and all that came flooding back, and the way my late friend, Jakub, would always tell me how I was a total fox & to not let anyone tell me different. I didn't know how he could say something like that to someone like me.. I was huge, and I felt horrible. This morning, I finally understood. What I'm becoming is from the inside out.
The changes that I've made are spiritual, emotional, and now they're bleeding into the physical. I feel that every day I'm growing stronger and learning more about myself, and what I'm capable of. I'm about to sell my car, pay off my debt, and travel this summer. I've been offered a trip to Cancun, which I cannot turn down, I'm excited for Vegas with my girlfriends, and hopefully California come fall. I have a huge care package on its way from a well known design school in San Diego, and I've been speaking with the Admins about finishing my Bachelors in Design..
So... this! All of this! This is what I've been keeping in my heart, and the dedication to getting into shape mentally, physically, and emotionally, has left me a little behind on the blogging. I'm somewhat elusive when it comes to keeping up with the posting, BUT I do promise to update on all the exciting things that are happening at some point or another, because I need to remember exactly how I feel in these moments.
xx
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