I started this post out wanting to put "Survivor", however, in lieu of my constant desire to do more than just "good enough", to constantly push myself to be better, I had to change it to a more appropriate title.
Life recently has been hectic and full of heart-breaks and set backs to say the very least. Family & personal matters have proven they are more than capable of becoming overwhelming. I am, at heart, an empath and aspiring philanthropist. This means while wanting to help those around me, I often struggle to separate their emotions from my own, and to properly compartmentalize my time to ensure that I stay healthy & successful rather than letting the emotional weight of my surroundings cause a mental collapse. Winter definitely has brought some of the biggest challenges I've faced to date. I was hoping that in blogging I would find a way to paint a beautiful collage of who I am and express things that are important to me and true beauty is not always in the happiness; so here it is - my first post that is written on a rather serious note. Time to get personal {not to worry, there's a point to this - I promise.}
Things can't always be roses & sunshine. Please don't get me wrong, I'm a firm believer in dancing in the rain despite it being the byproduct of a storm, however, there's a point in time where things, in one way or another, can and most likely will take a turn for what seems like the worst. My mission these days is to prioritize my life and make sure that I'm savoring these growing pains. My mantra, in the words of one a woman I admire greatly, Kelly Cutrone, is and remains:
It's not a breakdown, it's a breakthrough!
This thought constantly running through my mind has been such a place of solace for me. Knowing that no matter what life has thrown at me, cliches aside, things often seem toughest right before we "strike gold" and reach a revelation that scream so loudly we literally have no choice but to accept it & change our universe to accommodate it as truth. For anyone who follows my Twitter account, you can see the thoughts in form of 140 characters sprinkled in between the rest of my daily life.
I'm just over the half-way mark for what my friends & I are calling "Sober January". This started last year, and I was actually admittedly excited for January to arrive this year. During the first month of the year, I do a detox and I abstain from alcohol and try to eat as healthy & clean as possible. For many people this may be the norm, however, at the ripe age of 25, it seems I'm smack dab in the middle of a culture that is so saturated in distracting my age group. Party party party... At times it seems we forget to have substance & settle for substance abuse.. I'm striving to not be that type of person any more. I know I have potential, and in turn, a lot to offer. With a clear head, I have decided that from now on I should celebrate when there is something to celebrate, and when a reason eludes me, I will act accordingly, putting my nose to the grindstone and getting to work at creating things I can be proud of.
I've been known to hide away in the gym for hours, and as any personal trainer will tell you: You cannot get what you want by letting other people do the work for you. You must be willing to take the steps to being healthy and make a conscious decision to excel. In my case, the "work" in question is dealing with my Grandmother's diagnoses with cancer - being told by doctors that she most likely will not respond to any further chemotherapy {I don't believe that modern medicine determines our path & allotted time, however I believe it's healthy for me to start dealing with the possibility that things are beyond our control & spend as much time with my family as I can}. Other "work" I've had to come to terms with is watching my Grandfather deteriorate due to Alzheimer's Dementia and knowing that for both him and my Grandmother, our time with them is precious.
I'm currently in a place where I'm so thankful that a choice to follow my January tradition. I know that had I not chosen to spend this time with my family, and to abstain from any sort of activity that distracted from doing so, I would look back and have so many more issues to try and over-come.
Life is far from perfect, but I'm learning where to put my energy, slowly, but surely. My addiction to social connections, and social media came to a head Tuesday afternoon when I abruptly decided to deactivate my Facebook account. I believe that social media in its forms, used in the correct context, can be amazing. Social media can propel your brand, connect you with instant news, and even provide amusement. At this point in my life I'm not in a place where I feel I should be devoting so much of my time to this particular outlet. I don't believe that exposure to what my 800+ acquaintances and friends are doing, thinking, or feeling at every moment of the day is profitable or healthy for me. I'm not saying I'll never be back, however, I definitely need to take time to decide how and why I want to use the site, and whether it's a tool or a hindrance. Right now, it's hindering me from living in the moment. I cannot stress how important I believe living in the moment and taking everything you possibly can is for those of us who wish to be fulfilled, happy, and thrive. Perhaps I feel so strongly about this because my desire is to have a career in the arts & my constant need for inspiration to be successful means, at times, disconnecting.
All in all, I just wanted to paint a bit of a picture & give some insight into my mental space in this present time. I promise not to weigh down the good with the bad and I promise to always see the beauty in the things around me, even when they're anything but perfect. What I hope to speak with this post is that whatever you're going through, lovelies, I want you to do whatever it takes to find support you need, clear your head, see every situation as an opportunity to grow and make memories {even if they're memories of some of the toughest times where you think you can't go on - trust me, later they'll become a place for you to draw your strength from}, and be present.
xox
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